Tuesday, July 20, 2010
i really hate it when life becomes too unpredictable, too many surprises, too many things not within you control.
it kinda drives you crazy to some extent.
ohyeah, and it definitely doesn't help given that im quite an emokid, tears, emotional roller coaster sometimes.
so a few days ago im quite upset by people around.
i eat sleep and wake up to feel all good, starts life anew.
then i started watching gossip girl and i cried in like one of the first few epi.
yes, i know im ridiculous (i think every single person reading this is probably laughing at me now) but it was really sad okays.
finally the worst of all emotional states.
ryan died.
a couple of days ago, i was still bitterly mocking the nus staff for sending out email blast to the entire class taking the same mod as the girl who got into a car accident, brain dead, family didn't wanna switch off the life support machine, and finally passed away (i think they switched it off).
its kinda sad yeah. thats the thing about uni schooling.
something happens to you, there isn't really a form teacher or what to inform your classmates and your friends may not know it so the broadcasting will be done by the school.
how great.
and so much for that, i din expect someone i know to have some kinda the same fate, death.
ryan, my sheares block mate.
moved into our block in the 2nd semester of 09/10.
i wouldn't say he is a very active guy in hall but he is quite enthu with activities.
friendly, nice, encouraging, helpful, quite funny...
one of the most neutral, non-political people in the hall, in the block.
the first time i met him was actually at engin camp 09 where he became infamous because of his participation in drag queen.
the shave-his-leg-hair-and-armpit-hair stunt. quite woah uh.
only became friends at sheares.
talking online, playing fb games together, sharing tips and cheats, offering fruit juice to him, breakfast together (one of my breakfast friends) and many more.
he is really pretty nice to talk to and yeah, one of the people i like in my block.
yeah. come to think of it, i haven't really been talking to him much since i dunno when.
exams maybe? holidays? ohyeah. he was still introducing me to some job agency when hols just started.
then he signed up for odac camp. telling me that he has been exercising, training himself abit so that he can handle the camp.
he's a really cheerful, enthu and optimistic guy as far as i can see. really.
i just cant imagine something like that happening to him.
not at all.
i cant imagine not seeing him again, not talking to him again.
im not his best friend, nor his good friend i guess.
but it still sucks to go through losing a friend FOREVER.
and it doesn't make it any better that i wasn't even properly talking to him, paying attention, the last and final time i was talking to him.
that was at odac camp day 1.
i was too busy with the programme, my group... that i kinda neglected my friend.
i didn't notice that he actually didn't complete the entire camp, left on the second night, until eugene told me just now.
after he is gone forever.
i think i am really quite a terrible person.
i can't really remember right now but i think i have not taken an individual photo with him either.
and there's just, no chance anymore.
this is the 3rd death that i ever encountered with my immediate friends and relatives.
i still remember the first was my maternal uncle's.
to be honest, not much feeling. wasn't close, barely met more than 5 times as far as i remember, never spoke more than 3 sentences ever. but yeah, its not a nice feeling because thats my first.
the second, was my paternal uncle's. that hurt quite a bit cos i met him just a couple of months before his death. the image of him talking, laughing loudly, sitting there playing cards was fresh in my mind.
now the third, someone even closer. someone i played with, talked to, interacted definitely more than the above 2. someone so young, least expected. furthermore, the cause of death heard was .... most shocking.
i totally understand that life and death is just a part of life but i cant take it at this point of time.
i'm not going to see him forever.
f o r e v e r.
okay i dont think i have done him any real wrong but there's this feeling of maybe talking to him properly the last time we talked, or taking a closer look at him, caring for him more, listening to him...
yide told me that there was sth different talking to him during odac camp already.
maybe if i have gave him some time to casually chat, stress relief or what, things may be different?
i dunno?
seriously, when is the last time i spoke to him properly.
i do not remember.
this kinda regret is even worse that those like losing your best friend because of things you did, or making wrong decisions and hurting people.
because this time round, you have no chance to make it up to them again.
i don't know if the cause is really like what was spread around.
was it friends, family, studies, or even relationship?
no matter what it is, life is really precious and vulnerable.
while pursuing all the great things and whatever, it is really worthwhile to stress yourself out or take it so hard on yourself that there isn't really any other way you can work things out?
seriously, we should really treasure our lives and the people around us.
be it the one in distress, you don't wanna end up hurting your loved ones at the end of the day.
or the friends and family around, you don't wanna neglect someone who needs your concerned.
life is really damn fcuking short.
and seriously, what have i been doing.
showering my attention on meaningless things when there are actually people around us whom we have been neglecting.
if i can take away every minute that i am upset and spend it meaningfully, caring for my friends, will everything be different now?
i cant sleep.
i came to shout at 4:36:00 AM
